New Blog Series: “Unplugging From Religion”

I’m preparing a new blog series titled “Unplugging From Religion” which is the precursor to a book I’m going to start writing under the same working title.  It is a subject very important to me and one I cannot remain silent about.

The series and book will reflect where my personal “spiritual” journey, especially the past seven years, has led me in terms of faith.  It reflects many of the lessons learned from the “Cottage 12″ experience (www.Cottage12Book.com) and follows the theme of the “When Trees Start Walking” follow-up book I had originally planned.

I’m very excited about the things I’ve wanted to put on paper for some time and hope you’ll follow along and join me in discussion.

Will try and post the first blog in the next couple of weeks.

Frustrated by Frustration

I’ve been wrestling a lot lately.  And it has nothing to do with my love of the UFC and mixed martial arts. (Wrestling in MMA is my least favorite discipline anyways — love watching good striking, muay thai and jiu-jitsu!)

I’ve been wrestling with God.

And in that wrestling has come frustration.  And a lot of that frustration is aimed squarely at many things “Christian.”  I feel myself distancing from so much that the world sees as representative of my faith, but I see as caricatures, exaggerations or stereotypes I don’t relate to at all and can’t stand myself.  And things I’m tired of being associated with just because I mark “Christian” in the box reserved for religious preference.

I’m not talking about the standard core beliefs that make up my faith.  My position as a believer is not in jeopardy.  I am a follower of Christ and believe the Bible is the authentic Word of God.

However, I think there are gray areas in faith and interpretations open for dialogue and personal convictions. I disagree with many platforms and opinions within the Christian community present in various groups and denominations.  I don’t live my life by what any governing body of a denomination tells me.

I think the Bible needs to be viewed as a whole, even when focusing on one topic or one section, and not chopped up in pieces to either justify your own position or attack someone else’s position.  I think there is one theme that is above and beyond any other — it is about the position of your heart inside intimate relationship with the one true God and where He has you uniquely positioned and uniquely created.

That doesn’t mean we create our own rules to satisfy our own desires.  It doesn’t mean we go at it alone without community.  It means we wrestle.  Respectfully and fearfully — but we wrestle.  Read the Psalms, for goodness sakes.  It’s all about the emotional ups and down through wrestling with God and passing through deserts, mountains, caves and valleys.

It also means the ONLY source for answers is God.  And ultimately, we do have to surrender to His shaping of our hearts and truth He reveals to us — whether it’s what we want to hear or not.  It’s not man who is our source, whether a pastor loaded with theology training or well-meaning friends on the same kind of journey.  Can others lead us to find more truth?  Sure.  Can others offer perspective we can’t always see?  Sure. Can others inspire us with their stories and words?  Sure.

But, ultimately, it’s us and God.  No one else.  And we are human.  Which means we struggle.  We change our opinions.  We ask questions.  We see things from different vantage points at different moments.  Still, we must never unplug ourselves from the source.  Yet, we often do just that and venture into valleys alone.  I’ve been asking myself lately if I’m guilty of that very thing.

My frustration has become more about the peripherals — people of faith and how they act, people of faith and how they speak it, people of faith and how they interpret things for themselves and for others, symbols of faith, presentations of faith and just exactly what is at the heart of the faith.

On top of all that, looking back at recent years and wondering what is to be taken from them and how it all applies to situations, decisions and opportunities facing me now.

There is no question that I am in a transition moment.  The past six years have led to a place where crossroads could not be any clearer.  It’s time to choose a direction and make some sense out of all of this wrestling.  And in some cases, it’s time to cut bait.  Time to possibly fish from another pier for awhile.

Part of my mental struggle lies in how much of my frustrations are legitimate (and I believe many are) and how much points at something inside of me that God wants to adjust (from experience, that’s often the case).

Maybe this is a Jacob moment for me.

In wrestling with God, Jacob found destiny and became Israel.

He also saw his hip torn out of its socket.

Stay tuned…

The Line Between Past & Future

As Christians, doesn’t it often seem like we are constantly doing one of two things, either keeping our past at bay or simply making sure our future is secure?

Growing in the life of faith means moving forward.  Moving forward means things change.  It means not everything we once believed, did, said or acted out remains true.  Hearts change when faith is allowed to germinate inside us.  And it’s messy.  It looks different from person to person despite the commonalities we find along the way.

Many of those close to us don’t want to see that change occur when suddenly we are vocal about our faith.  It can force them to look within their own hearts and that is a difficult, albeit impossible, thing to do if you are not ready and willing for whatever is revealed.  That is where our “past” creeps up as a distraction.  And we all have a past.  There is a battle to genuinely express our new beginnings while constantly having to overcome the ingrained images others have of us because of things in our rearview mirror, but not necessarily in theirs.

We are all in different places and face different challenges and struggles. And sometimes, we are even led to different places while right in the middle of that journey — new understandings, revised opinions, different standards or deeper understanding of what is at the heart of faith and how it relates to our circumstances and our situations.

As for the future, “salvation insurance” describes a lot of how Christians view their faith or at least act it out.  It is partly a product of being raised in a Western culture church home, whatever denomination.  Those where it’s standard to learn the basic stories of the Bible while memorizing John 3:16 before professing the faith necessary for admission into an enjoyable eternity as opposed to the alternative.  Christianity is taught as a “religion” and a fear of the alternative fate instead of a “relationship” and something that uniquely grows and connects us with our Creator and leads us to who we are meant to become.

When we grow older, a cynical world takes its toll and as innocence fades, the stories of the Bible lose their childlike hold.  Some even question their validity and “realistic” feasibility and use that as an excuse to avoid relationship.  Doubt is masked as tolerance.  Forming no strong worldview is masked as being “open-minded.”   In the world’s mindset, it’s better to believe everyone can do as they want and take no stand on real truth, so long as they are not hurting someone else.  There is a freedom to create our own rules as we see fit.

And it’s hard to compete against that thinking when it is so fully ingrained in our marketing, entertainment and the largest cultural influences that exist today and continually bombard us.  Even pastors and church leaders often bombard us with their seminary/Bible college-ingrained theology that doesn’t always hit the mark even when it is impossible to argue against when untrained in such study and verbiage.

Theology does indeed reveal powerful truth that reflects current cultural circumstances.  But other times, it blatantly ignores the different climate of today’s world while holding tightly to teachings to a much different world and society (yes, even though the Word itself is God-breathed).  And people get confused, so they often just ignore it all.

Religion has ZERO chance against the temptations of the world.  But relationship does.  In fact, it is the only chance of survival.

Relationship is found in the line between the past and the future — how we live out our faith in the “present.”

It cannot be found Sunday to Sunday (or Saturday to Saturday) nor can it be found only on Easter and Christmas.  It is cultivated in the days between the gathering place where you publicly show yourself as a “faith member” to look like part of the club.

Relationship is not “doing” something and checking it off a list.  That’s religion.

Religion is not wrestling with God and discovering truth personally.  That’s relationship.

Relationship is not concerned with tradition and rules above intimacy and discovery.  That’s religion.

Religion is not understanding that God is real and active in your life and the circumstances around it.  That’s relationship.

So, find out where you are between those Sundays or Saturdays and you’ll learn whether you are a religious Christian or a relationship Christian.  It’s not a matter of salvation, per se, but it is a matter of living life in authentic faith (when strong and yes, even when weak) or living with the comfort of religion to just get by “in case” that insurance is needed on Judgment Day.

Your call…

God is Hard to Find in Church or Religious Tradition

OK…first off…RELAX people (especially those in the ultra-sensitive Bible Belt bubble or the dominant Catholic community)…let me explain.

The headline above summarizes a Tweet (can you “summarize” 140 words?) I blasted out yesterday, stirring up a few souls in the process.  It is amazing how much self-professed Christians cling to the safety net of church attendance (often random attendance at best) as a measure of their faith and think spiritual growth and security lie in the recitation of affirmations or historical ceremonies.

You can tell right off the bat I am not a fan of religion or legalism.  If I am not mistaken, someone by the name of Jesus Christ spent the bulk of His ministry not opposing sinners, but opposing the religious leaders of the day.  He spent His time speaking love against sin and grace/changed hearts against rules/hardened hearts.  He hung out with those who recognized their sin not those who were focused on showing everyone how “good” their image could be by following rigid rules and public ceremony better than their neighbor (or in the same way so they are “keeping up with the Joneses” instead of following Christ).

Don’t get me wrong.  This is not a rant nor criticism against people who find some comfort in religion and legalism.  I grew up in the buckle of the Bible Belt and totally understand the mindset even though I disagree with where it too often leads (complacency of faith and detachment from the rest of the world you are supposedly trying to impact).  In fact, it provided a foundation that stayed with me when I got older and actually began to find God and understand the relationship of faith.  Through my upbringing in a Methodist church (which I found “boring” as most kids and youth do and did not desire to return to as an adult), my mom fulfilled the promise of Proverbs 22:6 – “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

I believe there are two styles of Christians today.  On one side is the religious/legalistic believer.  On the other is the relational/experiential believer.  Neither is more right or wrong than the other.  It is simply an issue of style.  My concern is that the world of non-believers primarily sees either the religious/legalistic side speaking “Christianese” that pushes them away OR the extremities of the relational/experiential side through sideshow carnivals like nutty televangelists or crazy tent revivals.

And they judge us all on one of those two images.  Or judge us under the misguided assumption that being Christian means being perfect, therefore screaming “hypocrite” when we fail in that incorrectly perceived perfection.

So, back to the headline.  Don’t miss the point.  If your “style” leads you to an understanding of true relationship with a personal God, then great!  But if it pushes you to an extreme or toward false security in your “good works,” be careful.  I have been around a ton of different churches, many different Christian styles and practices (especially over the last six years) and have seen consistency in what I’ve observed.  And the main observation is that the religious/legalistic mindset turns non-believers away more often than not and leads to a false sense of security and stifled growth in the believer more than its opposing style.

And that is were I grow frustrated. I hear the criticism of the experiential or contemporary style church as merely “entertainment” from the legalistic crowd.  It brings to mind images of Pharisees pointing fingers at the “sinners” simply hanging out with Christ while they are the ones “doing” the required works.

It’s the whole Mary-Martha thing.  Jesus loved them both.  Both loved Jesus.

But check out what happens in Luke 10:38-42 when Jesus visits Martha’s home:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.  She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

See it?

Martha was focused on her image and making sure she and her home “looked good” for Jesus’ visit and that she was “doing” things to impress Him (religion/legalism).  Mary simply wanted relationship and sat at His knee to listen and learn (relational/experiential).  For Martha, it was about her (even though well-meaning).  For Mary, it was about Him.

Christ didn’t reject Martha.  She did not lose her relationship or salvation.  But He praised Mary for choosing “what is better.”  Better –  not “more right” or “the only style.”  Better.

Should we not desire what is better when Christ Himself is pointing it out?

And he also pointed out the stress (Martha’s worry and being upset) that comes with trying to do things to earn God’s favor instead of recognizing it is all about His grace alone to give us a gift we can never earn through our works, ceremonies or traditions.  (Ephesians 2:8-9 — “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast.”)

Martha was so busy trying to look the part and fit in with culture ( i.e. — “traditional church culture” today), she missed out on relationship with the living God when He was right there in her home.  Mary understood the difference between religion and relationship.

So, that is why I say God is hard to find in church or religious tradition.

You can grow and build meaningful relationships in church and faith community is vital for one’s spiritual journey.  You can receive relevant teachings in church and hear messages that draw interest to seek more.  Regular church attendance in a style that connects with you is important.

You can find foundation in religious tradition, but it is destructive to rely on it as the basis of your faith strength or an image you want to reflect to others and never move deeper into the intimacy God offers.  There is so much more.

As Christ Himself stated, there is something “better.”

That’s all I’m sayin’.

“Public” Writing on Hiatus

I love writing — whether authoring a book like Cottage 12 or blogging personal thoughts.  It is a welcome release for me and an activity where I feel purpose.  I also have come to understand it as the way I connect with and worship God.

However, it takes a lot of time to write with the intention of it being public. And it pays nothing.

For the past six years, I have invested a ton of time in writing.  I literally have folders (both traditional and on my computer) full of writing notes on faith topics that I’ve never published anywhere.  Articles, blogs, devotionals, book ideas, Cottage 12 follow-ups, etc., you name it.  I’ve humbly received a lot of encouraging words and feedback on this writing — from regular folks to publishing industry veterans — and I am thankful.  Enough people have believed in me and supported me to keep going and if you are reading this and know you are one of those people — thank you!

I just can no longer take the time required to openly blog on a regular basis or work on new book manuscripts for awhile.

Life circumstances do not allow me to spend the time that kind of writing requires without receiving income.  I’ve been faithful and written what has been placed on my heart time and time again, but it has taken a huge toll on me personally, professionally and most significant, financially.

Cottage 12 is out there ready for retail distribution, bulk sales, indie outlets or whatever, and if it is going to ever produce income or reach a large audience, well, then it is going to be something supernatural I suppose.  It is completely out of my hands.  I did what I felt I was supposed to do and have to let it go to be whatever it is going to be in time.  Maybe it was just for the 50-100 or so messages or various feedbacks I’ve received concerning its positive affect on people and even some changed lives in the process.  And maybe that’s enough.

Blogging is an extension of building a “writer’s brand” that agents tell you is a must and it’s why I’ve been regularly posting.  But, again, it requires so much time for little or no income if you want to do more than just post quick, unedited and random thoughts (that’s what Twitter is for).  I have to focus on being more productive and efficient with my “work” time.  Writing will still be a part of my “leisure” and “connection” time, but it is competing with a lot of other things.

As a single parent, time is precious.  I’ve given everything to my son (age 9) and have continually focused on his needs above my own when he is with me.  I’ve got 10 more years of doing so before releasing him to college and the start of young adulthood.  It’s not going to get any easier and it means time budgeting is even more important.  Especially when doing it alone.

So, bottom line, focused writing has to be cut out of the equation for awhile.  I need to let it go unless it is part of bringing in tangible and current income, not just hoping for the future.

BiggStreams has dried up (at least for the near future).

The handful of folks who have regularly checked in, thanks again.  It probably means you are a Facebook friend or a Twitter pal and I’ll continue with the brief “status updates,” random thoughts, other minutiae and always enjoy seeing yours.  More lengthy life updates or updates to storylines and “characters” from Cottage 12 will continue to be posted when applicable at www.Cottage12Blog.com.

Struggling Beneath the Surface

Sometimes a song says it better than we can…

Matthew 14:28-31 (NIV) — “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”  “Come,” he said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

(And yet, I have had enormous faith, made huge sacrifices and stepped out in obedience repeatedly, Lord, even when I didn’t want to and in many ways I didn’t want to…and for so long…why have you not rescued me from these storms and this drowning which are a result of that faith? You still have me and always will, but I have no choice but to start swimming to the surface myself and see what can be recovered of my scattered life…it changes everything, but I can no longer take in more water to my lungs.  Trying to understand this part of Your plan…hoping someday I will.  Will I see Your face again in the midst of circumstances that have made it impossible to stay where I’ve been led? Or will the storms just increase?  Is this the place You needed me to reach so that You could move me yet again?)

When Forgiveness is Hard

Forgiveness is an easy topic to write about when the focus rests with God’s incredible grace and mercy toward us.  We desperately need it and continually ask for it when we fail God’s standards.  And we always count on Him being there to forgive again and again and again, forgetting our broken promises of the past and the consistency of our failings despite knowing better.

But when the focus is on us forgiving someone else, the topic becomes much more difficult to dissect.  We don’t possess the strength of God nor the full wisdom of knowing all that God knows in His infinite power.  We can’t see why things are the way they are, nor how they are going to be, and how current circumstances and decisions play a part in the process.

We are asked to do many things with only faith as the reason.  Nothing else.  Forgiveness is often one of those requests.

I think we all can find it in our hearts to forgive those showing true remorse for what they’ve done to us or those close to us.  When others recognize their faults and how they have misjudged us or unfairly acted toward us, it is natural for the human heart to soften and desire peace.  Especially when we realize how much we have failed others and our own frequent need for forgiveness.  I believe we all have natural compassion deep inside.

But, how do we forgive when our “enemy” or “antagonist” doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong and points all the blame at us or others, never letting up, endlessly pursuing and never changing?  What do we do when the arrows coming our way really just represent the pains and denials of the person launching them at us, yet we or our loved ones feel the brunt more than they do?

How do we forgive when the target of our forgiveness is completely convinced we are the “bad person” and the one with all the problems, describing us in ways that are simply reflections back on their issues they refuse to see?  How do we forgive and let go when the truth overwhelmingly supports our position, yet we are continually forced to defend that truth against those who prefer to ignore it for their own selfish motivations?

The list of challenging questions on the matter of forgiving in the midst of continuing strife goes on and on.  We’ve all faced such questions in one form or the other.  Some in more dramatic situations than others, but we’ve all been there.

The answer remains the same in every single scenario, no matter the truth and no matter the circumstances.

“We must.”

Ultimately, forgiveness is more about “us” than “them.”  And it doesn’t have to involve the person we are forgiving.  If someone doesn’t feel they are wrong, then offering forgiveness will only make matters worse and antagonize the situation further.  A person in that situation would view the act of forgiveness as a strategy or find it insulting and want to attack more to prove their point.  Most likely, they’d just roll their eyes and laugh.

Forgiveness is a positioning of our own heart and is necessary if we want the freedom to receive the blessings God intends for our  lives.  Refusing to forgive can block the very work God desires to do in us and through us.  It really has little to do with letting the other person off the hook.  It’s letting ourselves off the hook.

In contrast, unforgiveness becomes the wound where bitterness festers.  And bitterness hurts only the person holding it inside.  It is a weight our “inner bodies” were not designed to carry.  The damage of bitterness far outweighs the value of holding on and waiting for justice that might never come when and how we desire.  Bitterness does nothing to the situation or person in which it is directed.  NOTHING.

In his book, “Total Forgiveness,” R.T. Kendall writes about “What Total Forgiveness Is Not” and “What Total Forgiveness Is” and breaks it down this way:

Total forgiveness IS NOT: approval of, excusing, justifying, denying or pardoning what they did; reconciliation (which requires two people); blindness to what happened; forgetting; refusing to take the wrong seriously; or, pretending we are not hurt.

Total forgiveness IS: being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving; choosing to keep no record of wrongs; refusing to punish; not telling what they did; being merciful; graciousness; an inner condition; the absence of bitterness; forgiving God; and forgiving ourselves.

I have read the list and the details behind each description of “what forgiveness IS,” yet I still find it very difficult to understand a couple of the components to the list and how they apply to my specific challenge and efforts to forgive.  It is a struggle I continue to work through daily.  I certainly don’t have all the answers yet.

But I know that I absolutely do not want to be a slave to bitterness.  I cannot afford to let myself be concerned a minute longer about truth being revealed concerning various issues and the motives of those who continually attack me.  I MUST trust in the spiritual fruits of genuine forgiveness and understand further the spiritual consequences of unforgiveness, no matter the circumstances in which I let go.

Living in forgiveness means turning control fully over to God and His timing and ways for justice and truth to be revealed.

Living in bitterness means cutting God off, destroying yourself and allowing the attacks to win.

Which route sounds better?

Foul Balls & Orange Cake

Yesterday (July 1), I turned 21 for the second time…literally.  It is amazing to look on my birth certificate, see a birth year of 1967 and yet encounter people all the time in their young- to mid-30s who look older than me or no less than the same age (WHEN my weight is down where it needs to be…sigh).  And, likewise, to see people my age and think, “No way I look that old,” because I simply don’t (others confirm that all of the time).  Few believe it when they hear I have entered my 40s.

For me, birthdays beginning with “4″ are not causes for celebration.  Even though there is much to look forward to and a lot of life left, they are reminders of years gone by and what “won’t be again.”  That includes some pretty fond memories and areas of life one would love to have a chance at a “do-over.”  It’s not worth getting depressed over, of course.  And it is dangerous to focus on what’s behind us and then miss out on what could be in front of us.

Other than a group of friends since seventh grade and my family, I’m always able to slip my birthday under the radar and unnoticed with more recent friends or co-workers — just the way I like it.

My son, Chase, normally spends the day with me if he happens to be at his mom’s on my birthday, but for some reason that didn’t happen this year even though he was in town and had said a week earlier he wanted to do so.  So, I spent a quiet day at the house focusing on many of my “life tasks and decisions” at hand.  Part of my time was dedicated in prayer for some really specific needs, numerous that have been the same requests for many, many years and often spoken with the feeling I should just quit asking.

I’m really deep in a phase of desiring and NEEDING some pretty strong and clear answers from God to issues that I have “knocked, sought and asked” about over and over and over.  Direction is desperately needed for numerous decisions, as well as the resources to handle what I feel God has asked of me the past five years and the toll it has taken in “worldly” areas despite the incredible peace I have and the many spiritual blessings.

In the evening, I went with a friend to the Texas Rangers game (I’ve spent much of this spring and summer at The BallPark in Arlington) with great “comp” seats 30 rows behind home plate.  Chase has taken a huge interest in baseball this past year and we’ve been to half a dozen games together.  Nearly every time, he asks how he can get a baseball and wants to catch a foul ball like every other kid in attendance.

Last time we were at a game, I told him that I’d been going to games all my life and never caught a foul ball.  I tried to explain how rare it is and “it just doesn’t happen” for most people, so don’t get his hopes up.  He was disappointed with that reality because getting a ball from an actual major league game is something he is focused on achieving.

At the start of the seventh inning, I was texting something on my phone, when suddenly my friend yells, “Heads up!”  I looked to my right as a foul ball landed in the empty row behind us, bouncing right toward me.  Instantly, I thought of Chase and our recent conversations and reacted instinctively with a well-timed reach back and snag of the ball right before three other pairs of hands converged to only grab the air left behind.

A foul ball…on my birthday!  I couldn’t believe it.  That wasn’t among the list of my urgent prayer needs of the day and recent years, but I had to chuckle inside regarding the “coincidence” of so much foul ball talk with Chase and then one practically landing in my lap on my birthday in seats I didn’t know I had until the day before the game. Maybe it was God trying to let me know that “all things ARE possible and anything CAN happen.”  He does speak to us in the most simple of ways sometimes, requiring us to be open to the possibility and willing to believe.

One birthday tradition that dates back to when I was six years old is having orange cake.  It started with a Safeway store brand, but has evolved into various reincarnations of orange cake attempted by mom, stepmom, girlfriends, friends, etc. when they heard about my routine.  (The best ones are those that incorporate candy orange slices into the icing — HEAVEN!).  For the first time in 36 years, I did not have orange cake for my birthday and at the end of the night, while tucking the foul ball safely away at home for Chase, I realized the missing piece of my day.

Alas, some traditions are just meant to die and I’ve been working out hard and avoiding sweets for awhile anyways, so it was for the best.

Then, today at lunch with a group from Life in Deep Ellum, we ate at a place that gives away free desserts.  It is a once a week stop for us and the rotation is usually lemon cake, german chocolate cake, coconut cake or carrot cake.  Since I hadn’t been eating sweets, one of the guys reminded me that I had to tell them I didn’t want the free dessert so I wouldn’t be tempted.

Take a guess what “first-time” dessert came out — yep, ORANGE CAKE.  (Do you even have to ask if I ate my piece?  Not only that, after relaying the birthday story to the waiter, he brought out some extra cake to take home.)  The tradition lives on — and another “God whisper” had presented itself for me to shrug off or take as a lesson.

Yes…I honestly believe the foul ball and the orange cake were connected as reminders to my other more “serious” prayers.  Reminders that God knows our needs and can provide in an instant.  It is also a reminder that He is a loving Father who enjoys surprising us with the unexpected, even when it rests within the mundane.

For me, I took it as reassurance that even though many of my consistent prayers have not been fully answered as I try and wait patiently through the struggles, He is listening and He knows me.

Sometimes, that is answer enough.

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me…you are familiar with all my ways…for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:1, 3b, 13)

“And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.  Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matthew 6:7-8)

New Wineskin — From Hindsight to Foresight

One of these days I’m going to enter a season of testing and apply foresight knowledge to get me through the challenge — and no, God, I am not requesting such a test — still recovering from recent trials, . My last two posts have discussed recent circumstances that have led to hindsight knowledge after much struggle and frustration.

The thing is…I had the knowledge to understand how to handle and perceive what I was facing, yet the injustice of the situation took center stage.  Knowing the truth was on my side and wanting everyone else to see it was most important regarding the main “attack” I faced.  I fought to hold on to faith, but failed to engage my trust.

Trusting God in difficult and unfair circumstances is the true measure of one’s claim to be a person of faith.  It’s easy to say we are of faith when times are good, blessings are plentiful and life is moving along the way we want and the way we see things unfolding.

It’s easy to be a person of faith when the parameters are “semi-regular” church attendance and being a “good person” by our own definitions and worldly standards.  I personally believe that is how far too many of the people answering polls of whether or not they are “Christian” determine their answer.  It can be very easy to put on the “face of faith” and look the part on the surface.

When practicing authentic faith — daily living in relationship with a God who desires such intimacy — the road looks much different and requires much more from us.  And guess what?  Sometimes it can get a little ugly.

Another book by the previously blogged about Bob Sorge, “Pain, Perplexity and Promotion,” helped me understand a lot about the reasons unfair circumstances and situations are sometimes allowed for our benefit.  Not surprisingly, the text covers the Book of Job.

The story of Job is the “go to” resource for those that suffer greatly for no reason.  By “suffering,” this could mean a lot of things and not necessarily the obvious extreme of what Job had to endure.  Most of our sufferings in life are laughable compared to what Job survived.  Those of us firmly planted in Western Christianity and daily lifestyle in comfortable and abundantly fruitful American culture can’t even fathom what true suffering is all about.

Suffering is relative, but it doesn’t mean that our personal pains, challenges and struggles are insignificant just because there is always somebody who has it worse.  We just need to have the proper perspective at times, that’s all.

Job is a book very hard to understand without careful study.  You just can’t read it over once or twice and glean significant truth off the surface. Many writers and theologians have approached this book from a variety of angles, but Sorge examines it in a way that really spoke to me.  Specifically, a section on the theme regarding the importance of having a new wineskin for new wine.

“No one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine bursts the wineskins, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined.  But new wine must be put into new wineskins.” (Mark 2:22)

Basically, when wine is put into a wineskin for storage, a chemical reaction occurs during fermentation that stretches the skin which then hardens.  If you pour new wine into an old, hardened wineskin, it won’t be flexible enough for the stretching process and will burst.

Sorge writes, “You can do one of two things with an old wineskin: you can either discard it, or you can recondition it.  To recondition an old wineskin so that it again becomes soft, supple, and flexible, is a very arduous task…the processes of God in preparing an old wineskin for new wine are stringent and extremely intense.” (pg. 125)

He is obviously referring to the work God does in an individual’s life requiring change and growth and comparing it to what happens to a wineskin.  I’ve come to realize that the past year has ushered in that “wineskin” process in my life, just when I felt a lot of the faith and sacrifice of the previous four years were about to bear fruit and an “end” to the process.  I may be correct in my belief that God is ready to pour new wine into my life, but there still was the matter of the new wineskin he needed for storage.

It couldn’t be the same one as before.

Sorge lists 14 ways that God renews a wineskin through what happened in Job’s life.  Half of them struck me in ways that allowed me to understand in hindsight how God was working through the current trials He had allowed in my life (items listed and brief descriptions are Sorge’s words from pages 126-150; words in italics are mine):

1) The Pain of Grief: Those who don’t understand your grief will try to fix it.  They will search for ways to help you end your grief, but they don’t realize that the grieving process is a gift from God, a necessary element in processing what has happened to you. For me, my grief over a new injustice combined with a culmination of many things over several years emerged in the form of venting frustration to friends I could trust would handle my need to express things about God and faith even if I knew what I was saying wasn’t necessarily truth.  Like Job, I mourned but did not actually turn away from God.  I merely struggled to turn toward Him out of fear of what He would ask from me next when I felt I had nothing left to give.

2) The Pain of Perplexity: When God baptizes you with perplexity, He intentionally withholds light from your understanding.  Job had no idea what was happening to him — until it was all over.  I had no understanding of what was happening in my life and no “why” to cling to when compared to the truth of certain circumstances.  It was perplexity at its highest level, but God revealed at least a part of what He needed me to learn near the end of the “suffering” which I have previously blogged about.  He continues to reveal more as I embrace the process of new wineskin.

3) The Pain of Shattered Vision: It is much easier to be creative than obedient.  Because sometimes God waits longer than we like.  One idea from the throne will accomplish more than all of our own ideas combined.  Besides, implementing our own creative ideas is hard work; implementing God-inspired ideas is invigorating because they are empowered by abundant grace. Wow, I could relate to this on so many different levels having nothing to do with the primary source of my most recent challenge.  Many of the things I had felt God was leading me toward over the past five years seemed gone and there was no vision to cling to and focus on.  Only darkness, but the realization that I had put too much of my own “planning” as the source for how things would take place.

4) The Pain of God-Forsakenness: When God lifts the awareness that He’s hearing our prayers, some people get offended at God.  Actually, all the great men of the Bible were given opportunity to be offended at Him — Abraham, Job, David, John the Baptist, and many others.  Before we qualify for the greatest service and greatest fruitfulness, we must pass the offence test.  He offends the mind to reveal the heart. I can honestly say that I definitely felt God’s silence, but never accused Him of abandoning me.  I was more at a place of complete dependence on God to “do something” and knowing that I could do nothing.  I had reached a place of total dependence on God for everything I have come to need after five years of a faith journey asking a lot and taking a lot from me.  I was resigned to accept that His plan might be to take everything away He had given and that there must be a reason.  Job is encouraging because he had everything taken away, but saw double what he had taken given back once his process was complete.

5) The Pain of Waiting: Waiting on God is the hottest flame.  It can be absolutely excruciating.  When the heat is on, everyone is watching, your circumstances are crying out for immediate action, and all God says is wait.  You can’t tell anyone that you’re waiting on God.  But God won’t let you take action; He’s insisting that you wait on Him.  This is pure heat and pressure. I felt this in several areas and it is definitely pure heat and pressure at its fullest.  It’s hard to wait when others think they know what is going on, are successful at clouding truth against you or when others think you have done something wrong because of your circumstances and their own assumptions.  Or when others think they know what you “need to do” about certain life circumstances they see, but can’t understand what you know God is asking you to do.

6) The Pain of False Accusation: When the false accusations came, Job was able to guard his heart against a bitter spirit.  He was able to see that the false accusations were part of God’s disciplinary purpose in his life.  Here is where I failed the most in this particular trial.  Being falsely accused from the same source was nothing new to me, but this current accusation and effort to harm me extended further out from the source of the accusation, causing undeserved damage to my reputation and unmerited consequences I had to live with for a short time.  This was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”  Enough was enough.  My bitterness over years of lies, denials and deception aimed at me was one of the biggest things God had to burn away during this fire.  And it was extremely difficult to let go of the responsibility of truth and trust God with it alone, both currently and in the future.

7) The Pain of Constant Transition: Job is being carried along right now by a river that is over his head.  He cannot touch bottom.  And the river is flowing at flood stage.  He is being carried along in a current of constant change, and he can do nothing about the direction he’s going.  Bingo.  The story of the last five years of my life, except now everything had come together to cause confusion in multiple areas.  The image painted above was exactly how I felt and I simply could not take it anymore.  I wanted “out.”

When I look back over the years and read thru notes from my spiritual journal, I can see so many times where God has tried to “prep” me for something that lay ahead.  There are many patterns in my notes where something placed on my heart ends up being needed for a trial or blessing in the future.  But also in my notes, I can see many times where I focused on the wrong things and not on the preparation in me.  Then, I’d see it in hindsight after causing myself more grief and stress than God intended for me to bear.

Sound familiar?

I know there is more to take place in my current process (forgiveness is one of my next blogging subjects), but feel like part of the new wineskin I need is a renewed reliance on the things God has already shown me.

Choose Your Perspective

In my last post, I wrote about the valuable lesson God was wanting to teach me about the responsibility of truth.  

I feel like the second part of that lesson is what I am beginning to experience — truly letting go and trusting Him with truth and how or when it is revealed.

It’s one thing to acknowledge that you are not in control.  Sometimes God makes that VERY easy to do. It’s another thing to sincerely trust whom is in control without being privy to what He knows.  It’s choosing between limited perspective (us) and limitless perspective (God).  Most people and ALL worldly systems are set up on the former perspective.

But, when we choose a life of Christian faith, we step into the world of limitless perspective even though most of us never manage to understand that and apply it to the circumstances of our life on Earth.  It’s just not easy to do when various “things of life” bear down on us and stare us in the face.

Like many, even when I come to God and trust Him for answers, I still want to know the plan.  ”I’ll follow the plan, just tell me what it is, God!  I just want to see the path you are asking me to walk beyond the step in front of me before I take that step.”  

I want some kind of glimpse into the whys, hows and whens of my life journey.  It’s as if I let go to acknowledge that He has the best answers, yet I still want to make sure they get carried out how I would carry them out.  And I end up in the same frustrating place.  

Even when authentically focused on God and trying to hear His will, it still, unfortunately, just doesn’t work that way.  When we give up control, we have to give it all.  We don’t get credit for giving up partial control.

Part two of the “truth” lesson.

As I continue facing some unpleasant matters and various challenges in my life, a new feeling has begun to emerge inside my heart and spirit. Decisions lay in front of me that have to be made, but the information I need to know to make the decisions on my own are just not at my disposal — and won’t be given.  Only God knows “the plan,” what lies down the road for me and others and what certain situations are “really” about. 

The new feeling is one in which I honestly don’t have to know the future anymore.  I don’t feel a need to beg God to just answer the few questions I don’t have the answer to and reveal what He has planned in several areas of my life.  And in doing so, free ME to make the decision. 

I just want to know what He wants me to do and let HIM alone make the decision.  That’s it.  I don’t need to know why or how or what it means…just…simply…what does He want me to do that I can do now in regards to the various challenges I face currently or might face in the future?

Once again, it all boils down to the battle between limited perspective and limitless perspective.  And which one we choose to submit to and trust.

I’m starting to get comfortable only knowing the next step instead of the entire path (not 100% there, but further along than ever before). Starting to get comfortable in simply knowing the next move instead of how everything is going to play out.  Believe me, that is a HUGE change for me.

Maybe this was the step God has been asking of me lately…