Darkness is a word often used during times in the faith journey where we feel as if there are no answers. We’ve all been there no matter our level of faith or if we are faithless but blind to the fact we are being called from the darkness.
Another word for these times is “wilderness.”
Darkness and wilderness. Not the most uplifting of words. But it is in the wilderness that the voice of God is discovered. It is in the darkness where we become burdened to seek. Seeking becomes the purpose instead of waiting. It is active. And Scripture says when we seek, we find. Perhaps then, burdens are the pathways to blessings.
Lately, I’ve been a strange and ironic source of counsel for myself through words I have written in the past. It’s happened numerous times over the past month. God has had a funny way of directing me to what He has already written through me when searching for answers to situations, circumstances, problems, worries, fears, hopes, dreams, etc. One of my strongest spiritual disciplines (and one I recommend for everyone) is journaling thoughts and “life happenings” every day. If not every day, I catch up on a few days at a time if falling behind.
Yesterday, I was reading thru old journal notes from 2006 trying to recall specific details about how I had met someone I’ve begun co-authoring a future book with on the topic of dating as a Christian single (and more specifically, single parent). I found a lot more than I expected. As I read entries from the end of that year, I heard the same cries, concerns and fears present in parts of my life today. There was betrayal, abandonment, uncertainty and impending transition all around my life. I was dealing with many of the same “attacks” then as now, yet the words reflected someone feeling much more lost than I do now. I took comfort in knowing I’d been in the same place before, felt worse and saw God work amazing things.
At a time when I felt like I had gone as far as I could in my faith (words I have recently echoed about my current circumstances), I was on the verge of a new destination — Life in Deep Ellum. My call to serve there was around the corner but nowhere in my line of vision at the time. In full transparency and authenticity, these were my exact words from a journal entry on November 1, 2006:
Feel like I am in deep despair this morning…slept in until almost 9 and just sat around in a daze…I just don’t know what to do…feel like all of the positives and happiness from three weeks ago has been violently stripped of me…so many things I have verbally spoken out now seem like things only making me look like a fool…I don’t know what God wants from me in all honesty…feel like everything is at risk…I’ve never felt more hopeless than I do right now with nowhere to turn…nobody to truly talk to that can understand…no more “fire” for this faith walk and being in the dark day after day after day…I just don’t feel like I am strong enough for this kind of faith…I’m not at all in danger of walking away from God or my faith…I want to do things for Him and continue to grow as a man of God, but this idea of where I had appeared heading is feeling too steep and too daunting…I am really, really confused and with great pain in my heart and chest and lump in my throat, frozen and not knowing what to do…I am at another Psalm 13 moment…where is God? What is He doing with me?
I was deep in a cave, but the sliver of light was coming. Clearly, I was crying out and needed answers. I remained in darkness for a time, but never let go of continuing to ask, seek and knock. Then, on December 4, the crack of light appeared.
I have specifically labeled this blog as a separate discussion of “spiritual” topics apart from the book blog at www.Cottage12Blog.com. I’m going to discuss my Christian faith here and wanted that to be clear in case some who might have an interest in “Cottage 12” understood what they were getting at “BiggStreams.” I realize matters of faith cause conflicts and dissenting views more than any other subject outside of politics (and oftentimes they intersect). However, I cannot hide the truth in my life; what it has meant to me; and the role it has played and continues to play.
I am not responsible for changing the beliefs of others nor am I to judge them. But I am responsible to share the reality of a relationship with Christ as I have experienced it. Part of me is resistant to write openly about my faith in ways I know will be questioned or looked at as strange by some and even completely rejected by those who might otherwise call me a friend. I hope that is not the case, but I have to continue with what happened on December 4, 2006, and describe the manner in which God does speak to me.
Now, right there, just the words “God speaks to me” will cause some to get out the arrows of doubt and mockery and begin flinging them in my direction. This is where I will sound “kooky” and get lumped in with completely inaccurate depictions of Christians often portrayed in media or some who claim the faith but present it poorly. Yet, I promise you, I join those who are completely turned off by representations of the Christian faith the world likes to believe are who Christians are — i.e., the frightening and disturbing film “Jesus Camp,” TBN TV evangelists, street preachers, extreme political right evangelicals, prosperity preachers and condemn-others-to-the-fires-of-hell sign wavers in public arenas. Images and actions represented in those examples DO NOT represent the Christian faith I know and are an embarrassment to those of us with genuine, authentic and relational faith.
Yet — yes — I did say “God spoke to me” which might cause some to lump me amongst the freak show people of faith. God speaks to everyone who wants to listen and more often than not, it is through a still, small voice one must discover in their own moments in the darkness and wilderness.
When the world is surrounding us with noise, God is asking us to be still. When the world is deceiving us with glitz, image, materialism and glamour, God is trying to show us true meaning. When circumstances cause us to lose vision, God is desiring to give us sight.
Oftentimes, I will be stirred to wake in the middle of the night with merely a thought, word or sentence repeating over and over in my head. I’ll try and go back to sleep, but it is impossible. It is in some of those moments when I get up and write down whatever is in my mind and my pen continues to write the words that begin to flow from within as soon as I start. The night of 12-04-06 was such a time:
The struggles you are having are not intended for you to bear. Release those burdens to me. I am your Father who loves you without fail. I want to raise you up as an instrument from which my people can catch a glimpse of what I offer. Continue seeking me in all things. Do not let any vision of me escape your eye. I am in the details. I am in the small things. Learn to see me in the small things so that I may show myself in bigger things. You have many questions. I hear you my faithful son. Continue to lay out your fleece, but seek for the answers in me, not outside of me. Your answers are coming soon. Sooner than you think. Continue to grow in the Spirit, for the Spirit is truth, counsel and life. It is in the counselor left behind where your reward and blessings lie. Resist the temptation to fear and to worry. Those are not of the Spirit. There is a better way for your mind. Your heart has been won, but your mind strays. I know you are a man after my own heart, but I need your thoughts captive. I need you to lay your worries and fears at the altar. The veil has been removed. You have access to the inner courts you desire. You are my child and the Father loves you. Do not be satisfied with where you are, where you have come from. Find satisfaction in the throne room. Find peace and answers in my arms. I will provide for you whenever you seek me in earnest and with fervency. The victory is yours, my son. I know you want to please me. I am proud of you. I want more of you and want to give you more. But I need you fully. You have been marked for special kingdom duty, but I must continue preparing you. Lean in. Press in. Do not give up the journey. I know you won’t, for I have made you like the ones who have come before. You have the wiring of the faithful men I have honored. It is in the receiving, not the believing, where you struggle. That is your Jericho wall. Do not lose faith in those I will call to help you. Keep knocking and laying requests at my feet. Look for the opportunities I lead you to. I am sending answers. There is a voice coming that will bring clarity. Listen for it. Seek me, Mike, and I guarantee you will find me. Continue writing, for your writing will set people free for it is I who will write through you. I need those today who will transcribe pictures of the kingdom which draws near. You have that calling, but it must be crafted by my hand. Rely on me for inspiration. Your persistence will open doors and unlock kingdom secrets I wish to reveal. Your faithfulness will be rewarded, but just as the Old Testament kings, you must guard against self-reliance and depend on me. I love how you seek knowledge and don’t want to miss anything. Son, you will miss nothing when your focus is on me and my kingdom. Be like my Son in the desert testing and lean on my word. My word will not leave you defenseless. My word is your shield and your strength. Use it. Knowledge in your own strength is merely understanding, but knowledge in my strength is power and freedom. Release everything to me – small and large – and watch me work on your behalf, son, as I have been. Allow your mind to rest on me as your heart has done. Receive freedom with your thoughts in the same way – through the Spirit who is released and empowered by your faith.
Now, I’m sorry, but those words simply are not mine. I don’t talk like that. There is power and authority in those words that flowed freely from inside me to transcribe on paper. And the message was clear. None of that is transcribed to brag on myself because it is clear that whatever ability or calling He is pointing out is something given by Him and to be developed outside of self-reliance.
It was shortly thereafter that I went on a 40-day fast to earnestly and fervently seek answers preceding my call to continue writing and serve at Life in Deep Ellum (when it didn’t make sense in a lot of ways) starting in February 2007. I believe it is a message I am supposed to embrace again in February 2009.
Receiving a “word” such as that does not mean I think I am more “special” than the next person or have “discovered something that just works for me.” Every one of us has the opportunity for a special calling from God and to share intimate relationship with our Creator. It is planted inside of us, but it is up to us to choose to accept it. Sadly, most will reject it
It is this light we must seek in our moments shrouded in darkness. No matter if we are a curious seeker, a lifetime believer feeling like we’ve got it together or a struggling man or woman of varying years of faith and different faith backgrounds.
We must never give into the darkness and never cease seeking the sliver of light.
