I just finished reading a book for the second time called “The Fire of Delayed Answers” by Bob Sorge. The first time I read it was in early 2006. I was in the midst of similar doubts and questions I find haunting me now. Questions and doubts regarding what God was doing in my life and why He was allowing certain hardships, restrictions and challenges for seemingly no justifiable reason.
Much like then, I honestly believe I have been obedient to His direction even when things don’t make sense to me or aren’t close to what I want. Even when I continually have to sacrifice my own desires of where and who I want to be, all the while not getting any younger and being at a place in life where things were supposed to be much different than they are now. How can such obedience not be rewarded I wondered then and wonder now? I’m in no way perfect, continue to struggle in areas that need healing, but my goodness, I know I’ve been walking out a pretty strong life of faith and patience the past six years and submitting my life to God’s direction and timing.
When He has said jump, I’ve jumped. When He has said run, I’ve ran. When He has said wait, I’ve complained about it, but I’ve waited. When He has said speak up, I have spoken up. When He has said be quiet, I have fought it, slipped a few times, but generally stayed silent outside of my own personal release through journaling. When He has said write openly, I have written. When He has said serve, I have served and gone where He has pointed. When He has said fast, I have fasted. When He has said study, I have studied. When He has corrected me, I have been willing to listen, learn and change, although not always as quickly as I know I should. When I have stumbled, I’ve always gotten back up.
During these “checklist” moments of spiritual achievement, pride becomes a dangerous temptation. Maybe even more than pride, presumption takes over. In his book, Sorge writes that “Great faith that has not been broken turns into presumption.” True faith must only have its source in the One to whom it is directed — and that ain’t us. It is easy to feel like something is deserved. When that happens, we begin to want to take more control over the results of our obedience. It’s only natural. ”If He won’t give me what I think I deserve, then I’ll just go get it myself.” In full transparency, that is where I’ve been in 2009 — a year I saw as the year for long awaited blessings to come but one that has so far turned into endless days of disappointment, frustration and trials. More than I’ve ever collectively faced at one time.
I won’t compare myself to non-believers, many of whom are friends (I’m not a Christian isolationist…lol), because we operate from completely different world views and mindsets. It would be pointless and counterproductive. However, it feels like God is asking more of me than He is asking of those of faith around me — specifically, those in my particular peer circle (age, journeys and circumstances). I know that is wrong thinking, but I have to be honest about my feelings and struggles or there is no point in writing about personal issues. I would never think of comparing the sacrifices I have made to serve in faith how and where God asks me to those who have been sent to foreign places and unimaginable hardships and sacrifice I could not possibly imagine or want.
But, what am I missing then? Why does every step of faith seem to lead to more periods of wilderness and more questions? Why are the mountaintop experiences occurring less frequently and the darkness of the cave experiences intensifying? Yes, I have unbelievable and unexplainable peace most of the time — peace that tells me to keep marching on — but I still wonder why certain blessings in “the land of the living” are being denied to me? Blessings I had positioned my life to have and enjoy as others in their 20s and 30s like me at that time had striven to achieve. Despite some mistakes (and a really big one) in my early 20s to mid-30s, I still had much to cling to and rebuild from before being asked to give it all away and start a fresh journey of faith — a journey to go deeper in relationship and away from the safety and staleness of religion that prevails too much in modern Christianity today.
Yeah, I have lost out on a lot of what the world would say is most important and most pleasing and in some cases, lost a lot of what I once had built for myself and miss greatly. But, I’ve still got plenty to be thankful for and I’ve come too far and experienced too much to claim God has abandoned me or that this faith stuff is garbage. Even when so many in the materially blessed United States who despise faith and disdain their definition of Christianity have tremendous success and appear to be getting all they want in life, I wouldn’t trade places with them if it meant sacrificing my faith and authentic relationship with Christ.
There is no doubt that Christianity is less relevant to most people than it has ever been, but that’s to be expected. Scripture says as much. That’s no shock. There is nothing more difficult than turning away from what the world says is good and the temporary pleasures of life on Earth for something that you can only see through the eyes of faith. Most people just can’t make that leap and would rather take the risk that this is all there is and grab all they can before their time is up. It’s simple to merge in with the masses and not seek truth because of the sacrifice it might require or changes in your life it might demand. It’s a lot easier to point out the hypocrisy in others and turn away than open your heart and sincerely ask for truth to be revealed to you in a personal way. The Bible talks about the narrow road of faith and there is no question that it certainly is just that — and I must add, a road often missed even for many who claim they are “Christians.”
But I have been frustrated with my discovery of truth. I have been very, very frustrated for months. I haven’t liked where my life has ended up at this place in time. Just being honest here. I’ve vented to those closest to me that I have spent most of this year unhappy with where God has led me and desperately wanting a change and some answers to finally come. I’ve been in a trial by fire (still in it) and hope has been fading fast. I’ve gotten a lot off my chest and dwelled in bitterness for longer than I should.
Then I remembered the Sorge book. I remembered the fire he spoke about from personal experience and I knew the answer for getting me back on track and off the dangerous path of bitterness that only destroys the person holding onto it would lie in those pages. I have no intention of plagiarizing the book, but over the next few weeks, I want to blog about some of the lessons the fire brings as Sorge so accurately describes. It is a book I am living right now and therefore, a natural source of blogging inspiration.
The first lesson was a simple one and is reflected in the title of this entry — grace under trial. The book talks about the times God tested people and how it wasn’t in hopes they would get it right. It was in the knowledge they would fail. And in that failure reveal areas still needing the kind of brokenness only a continuing walk of faith can cultivate into something greater. I used to think the grace reserved for trials meant God’s peace to get us through the trials. Maybe it does.
But suddenly I saw it as the grace extended in advance to the bitterness, worrying, venting and anger He expected. All the emotions He knew I would experience in my current fire. The failure He knew had to happen in order to shift my sights on something more than the trials themselves.
I’m still in the fire…no doubt about it. And it stinks. But I think the blindfold that was around my eyes has been removed. Now I have to keep my eyes open to what the fire is meant to refine in me. That involves trust that God is in control of all circumstances and belief that everything He does is for ultimate good and to bless us, not harm us.
No matter how painful. (And it is.)
No matter how much I want out…now. (And I do.)
