Just over two weeks ago, one of the most profound and important lessons God has ever wanted to teach me landed at my feet. Never have I heard His voice more forcefully or clearly. This followed two weeks of pure hell that I never want to experience again.
Readers of BiggStreams know from my last post that it has been a challenging 2009 to continuing maintaining my faith for the odd and interesting journey I’ve been on for over five years. I last wrote about being in a fire, but coming to the point where it felt that the fire was getting ready to ease up even if not yet completely going away. I mentioned Bob Sorge’s book “The Fire of Delayed Answers,” and my desire to post more about lessons from the book I was experiencing firsthand.
Instead, the fire got turned WAY up and more intense than I could bear. I was blindsided by what was coming around the corner just as I expected the stress and strain of 2009 to begin lightening up. I got completely knocked off my feet and it was my breaking point.
I wish I could go into full details about what has taken place over the past month, but I can’t for a variety of reasons. It would make what I am writing so much clearer. But the most important thing is that God did not allow a short-term injustice done to me to continue — one that never should have happened. He came through with truth in the end and restored what had been stolen from me in ways that have actually strengthened that which was stolen.
Before all that, I had to endure a dark period. I had to go through a new and incredibly fierce fire just when I thought the fire I had been stuck in for months was ending. Without question, I endured the most difficult stretch of my life emotionally, spiritually, mentally and otherwise.
I needed God to come through more than ever, but was truly wondering if He would. And that is where the lesson began.
During this time, I felt completely abandoned. I was angry, but not angry at God. I was empty inside and did not even have the words to pray about my situation. All I could muster was exactly how I felt, “God, I’ve come too far with You to run from You, but I can longer run toward You. Because whenever I do, You ask me to give more and I’ve got nothing left to give.”
I’ve never felt more drained or empty of life. And it was for a solid nine days. I began to prepare for all the various scenarios that could possibly happen when everything was brought out in the open and decisions about what’s happening next were made. Some of my plans involved some very dramatic changes to my life, but my mind was made up in regards to what would happen in the worst-case scenarios.
I had no control, no say and was totally a victim of the “system.” Truth was being completely overrun by lies, deception and lack of integrity and character in some involved. It appeared that there was nothing I could do about it but prepare for the fallout and begin understanding why this was happening.
Community became very important to me at this time, even though I separated myself from it. I spent most of my time alone, surfacing only a few times to vent and unload when the pain of the injustice was too much. But I knew there were many who were praying for me and about the situation and believing that truth would prevail even when I began to doubt. They had faith for me when I was incapable of having it on my own.
On the day decisions would be made having tremendous impact on my life, I did not wake up with any peace. But, an email from one person (content surprising) and text from another (person sending surprising) paved the way for light to get through the darkness. For the first time since this challenge began, I sincerely prayed about the situation and what was going to happen that day. Again, words were not in me, so the prayer was simple:
“God, I don’t know what to say, so all I can ask is that You listen to all the others praying on my behalf. Whatever they are asking for, please hear them. And if you have allowed this injustice and pain in order to teach me something to give me a testimony, then if you will just reveal the lesson to me, I will give the testimony.”
At that moment, I heard in my heart what God wanted me to hear. “I have allowed this pain into your life not because you are wrong. In fact, your anger is righteous. Your feeling of injustice is righteous. The truth is on your side. But, Mike, I needed you to learn that you are not in charge of truth. I am. I decide when it is revealed. To whom it is revealed. And what is revealed. Things like this are about way more than just you. They are about the other people closely involved, the people making decisions and the people watching to see what happens. I am trying to teach many. You are not the judge. I am.”
Bam. If God was standing visibly in front of me, I could not have received it more strongly. One of my biggest struggles is not in being wrong. I have admitted many times when I’ve been wrong or needed a perception change to my thinking. I struggle mightily when I am right beyond any doubt,with facts on my side, and needing the patience to let truth reveal itself on its own under God’s sovereignty.
The truth I am writing about is not of the theological variety or regarding the debate of the validity of God’s Word or various faith beliefs. I am talking about the facts in life situations where there is conflict needing resolution. The Bible does talk about the worldly justice system as flawed and we all know it is — injustices happen every day in the courtroom. When disputes require litigation, God doesn’t want us to leave our fate in the hands of flawed attorneys and flawed systems, but sometimes we have to do so and trust that God, in the end, will make things right.
As soon as I felt the conviction against my strong desire to be “in charge of truth” when it is on my side, I immediately repented. I saw what God was needing me to learn and recognized that He has been trying to get me to understand that for a long time. After sincerely repenting, my only request was that God would judge my heart and the hearts of those against me today. I was comfortable with what He would find and that truth would somehow emerge.
Long story short, justice was done. It didn’t happen quickly and many “games” and “intimidation tactics” were attempted all the way to the end in order to circumvent truth and facts. But, ultimately, everything done to me was rejected, thrown out and reversed — the case was not even heard. God stepped in right when He was needed (and it was at the last possible moment). He truly judged and revealed hearts. There is no doubt that is what happened, and if I could write in detail and explain everything, it would be clear.
In full, it is an amazing testimony but more appropriate in other forums and settings with full context. But that is not the point or the lesson from this public blog.
We are not responsible for truth. Whether or not we are “right” makes no difference. There is so much going on in the lives of those around us and only God has the full picture. He allows things to happen to us sometimes when the ultimate lesson is for more than just us.
Our perspective is one-sided. His perspective is all-sided.
Our only role is to listen and trust within our own hearts what God is trying to show us. We first have to be willing to hear whatever He has to say. We can’t control whether or not others do as well, and God is not asking us to assume that authority.
Quite often, our most important lessons come in our greatest trials and following our greatest pain.
