Forgiveness is an easy topic to write about when the focus rests with God’s incredible grace and mercy toward us. We desperately need it and continually ask for it when we fail God’s standards. And we always count on Him being there to forgive again and again and again, forgetting our broken promises of the past and the consistency of our failings despite knowing better.
But when the focus is on us forgiving someone else, the topic becomes much more difficult to dissect. We don’t possess the strength of God nor the full wisdom of knowing all that God knows in His infinite power. We can’t see why things are the way they are, nor how they are going to be, and how current circumstances and decisions play a part in the process.
We are asked to do many things with only faith as the reason. Nothing else. Forgiveness is often one of those requests.
I think we all can find it in our hearts to forgive those showing true remorse for what they’ve done to us or those close to us. When others recognize their faults and how they have misjudged us or unfairly acted toward us, it is natural for the human heart to soften and desire peace. Especially when we realize how much we have failed others and our own frequent need for forgiveness. I believe we all have natural compassion deep inside.
But, how do we forgive when our “enemy” or “antagonist” doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong and points all the blame at us or others, never letting up, endlessly pursuing and never changing? What do we do when the arrows coming our way really just represent the pains and denials of the person launching them at us, yet we or our loved ones feel the brunt more than they do?
How do we forgive when the target of our forgiveness is completely convinced we are the “bad person” and the one with all the problems, describing us in ways that are simply reflections back on their issues they refuse to see? How do we forgive and let go when the truth overwhelmingly supports our position, yet we are continually forced to defend that truth against those who prefer to ignore it for their own selfish motivations?
The list of challenging questions on the matter of forgiving in the midst of continuing strife goes on and on. We’ve all faced such questions in one form or the other. Some in more dramatic situations than others, but we’ve all been there.
The answer remains the same in every single scenario, no matter the truth and no matter the circumstances.
“We must.”
Ultimately, forgiveness is more about “us” than “them.” And it doesn’t have to involve the person we are forgiving. If someone doesn’t feel they are wrong, then offering forgiveness will only make matters worse and antagonize the situation further. A person in that situation would view the act of forgiveness as a strategy or find it insulting and want to attack more to prove their point. Most likely, they’d just roll their eyes and laugh.
Forgiveness is a positioning of our own heart and is necessary if we want the freedom to receive the blessings God intends for our lives. Refusing to forgive can block the very work God desires to do in us and through us. It really has little to do with letting the other person off the hook. It’s letting ourselves off the hook.
In contrast, unforgiveness becomes the wound where bitterness festers. And bitterness hurts only the person holding it inside. It is a weight our “inner bodies” were not designed to carry. The damage of bitterness far outweighs the value of holding on and waiting for justice that might never come when and how we desire. Bitterness does nothing to the situation or person in which it is directed. NOTHING.
In his book, “Total Forgiveness,” R.T. Kendall writes about “What Total Forgiveness Is Not” and “What Total Forgiveness Is” and breaks it down this way:
Total forgiveness IS NOT: approval of, excusing, justifying, denying or pardoning what they did; reconciliation (which requires two people); blindness to what happened; forgetting; refusing to take the wrong seriously; or, pretending we are not hurt.
Total forgiveness IS: being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving; choosing to keep no record of wrongs; refusing to punish; not telling what they did; being merciful; graciousness; an inner condition; the absence of bitterness; forgiving God; and forgiving ourselves.
I have read the list and the details behind each description of “what forgiveness IS,” yet I still find it very difficult to understand a couple of the components to the list and how they apply to my specific challenge and efforts to forgive. It is a struggle I continue to work through daily. I certainly don’t have all the answers yet.
But I know that I absolutely do not want to be a slave to bitterness. I cannot afford to let myself be concerned a minute longer about truth being revealed concerning various issues and the motives of those who continually attack me. I MUST trust in the spiritual fruits of genuine forgiveness and understand further the spiritual consequences of unforgiveness, no matter the circumstances in which I let go.
Living in forgiveness means turning control fully over to God and His timing and ways for justice and truth to be revealed.
Living in bitterness means cutting God off, destroying yourself and allowing the attacks to win.
Which route sounds better?
