I’ve been wrestling a lot lately. And it has nothing to do with my love of the UFC and mixed martial arts. (Wrestling in MMA is my least favorite discipline anyways — love watching good striking, muay thai and jiu-jitsu!)
I’ve been wrestling with God.
And in that wrestling has come frustration. And a lot of that frustration is aimed squarely at many things “Christian.” I feel myself distancing from so much that the world sees as representative of my faith, but I see as caricatures, exaggerations or stereotypes I don’t relate to at all and can’t stand myself. And things I’m tired of being associated with just because I mark “Christian” in the box reserved for religious preference.
I’m not talking about the standard core beliefs that make up my faith. My position as a believer is not in jeopardy. I am a follower of Christ and believe the Bible is the authentic Word of God.
However, I think there are gray areas in faith and interpretations open for dialogue and personal convictions. I disagree with many platforms and opinions within the Christian community present in various groups and denominations. I don’t live my life by what any governing body of a denomination tells me.
I think the Bible needs to be viewed as a whole, even when focusing on one topic or one section, and not chopped up in pieces to either justify your own position or attack someone else’s position. I think there is one theme that is above and beyond any other — it is about the position of your heart inside intimate relationship with the one true God and where He has you uniquely positioned and uniquely created.
That doesn’t mean we create our own rules to satisfy our own desires. It doesn’t mean we go at it alone without community. It means we wrestle. Respectfully and fearfully — but we wrestle. Read the Psalms, for goodness sakes. It’s all about the emotional ups and down through wrestling with God and passing through deserts, mountains, caves and valleys.
It also means the ONLY source for answers is God. And ultimately, we do have to surrender to His shaping of our hearts and truth He reveals to us — whether it’s what we want to hear or not. It’s not man who is our source, whether a pastor loaded with theology training or well-meaning friends on the same kind of journey. Can others lead us to find more truth? Sure. Can others offer perspective we can’t always see? Sure. Can others inspire us with their stories and words? Sure.
But, ultimately, it’s us and God. No one else. And we are human. Which means we struggle. We change our opinions. We ask questions. We see things from different vantage points at different moments. Still, we must never unplug ourselves from the source. Yet, we often do just that and venture into valleys alone. I’ve been asking myself lately if I’m guilty of that very thing.
My frustration has become more about the peripherals — people of faith and how they act, people of faith and how they speak it, people of faith and how they interpret things for themselves and for others, symbols of faith, presentations of faith and just exactly what is at the heart of the faith.
On top of all that, looking back at recent years and wondering what is to be taken from them and how it all applies to situations, decisions and opportunities facing me now.
There is no question that I am in a transition moment. The past six years have led to a place where crossroads could not be any clearer. It’s time to choose a direction and make some sense out of all of this wrestling. And in some cases, it’s time to cut bait. Time to possibly fish from another pier for awhile.
Part of my mental struggle lies in how much of my frustrations are legitimate (and I believe many are) and how much points at something inside of me that God wants to adjust (from experience, that’s often the case).
Maybe this is a Jacob moment for me.
In wrestling with God, Jacob found destiny and became Israel.
He also saw his hip torn out of its socket.
Stay tuned…
2 Comments
November 2, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Love that ending, Mike.
I recently found myself using at least half a dozen finger “quote/unquote” gestures while describing the Christian-y things in my life…my “church”, “seminary”, etc. trying to communicate something more than a religion, a hobby, or subjective personal beliefs. I don’t feel like I can have much in common with Christian culture, but my quote/unquote-ing was not helping the conversation ( it was with hardcore secular humanists). I was frustrated in that moment; it didn’t seem like I belonged to any labeled community. I didn’t doubt my connection with God (just like you said) but I did doubt the words to communicate that relationship in any meaningful way. I wonder if you identify with that frustration? Also, I wonder how you would identify with non-Christian communities, if you find as much to dislike there as you do in Christianity. I certainly am much quicker to find fault with those claiming to be fellow followers of Christ and I wonder if that is a reaction to being raised in the Xian culture or if there are more faults in our community, if claiming access to righteousness is fertile ground for hypocrisy…not to mention cheesiness. Would love to hear your thoughts.
November 3, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I could reply in so many different ways right now…lol. I’m frustrated all the time at overcoming Christian stereotypes that are all too often legitimate based on how so many claiming the faith act. I think Christians do a HORRIBLE job of presenting the faith. It’s almost a blatant attempt at separation instead of assimilation. I’m working on another blog with a “U2 theme” that will better explain much of my frustration.
Not sure what you mean by identifying with non-Christian communities and how I would handle dislikes…sometimes I think we can get a better perspective of how authentic faith should look when we are removed from the “all Christian, all the time” environments we can often find ourselves slipping into…
Maybe I’m just in a phase, but I find myself more irritated than encouraged lately when dealing with Christians and Christian culture…my faith isn’t waning…I think it’s evolving…